Scientists are baffled as major ocean currents worldwide inexplicably slow down and begin to meander in gentle, circular patterns, effectively turning the global ocean into a colossal lazy river. While marine life appears to be enjoying the leisurely pace, the shipping industry is in utter disarray, with cargo ships now taking weeks to cross what used to be days-long routes. Fuel consumption is down for some, but delivery times are up, leading to a global shortage of everything from rubber ducks to microchips. Environmentalists are cautiously optimistic about the 'calming effect' on marine ecosystems, though they admit the sudden lack of deep-sea upwelling is 'a bit concerning.'